How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce
Narcissists often use children as pawns during and after divorce. Learn to identify this emotional abuse of children caught in the middle.
by Paula Lovgren
The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.
Using Children as Pawns in Divorce
Narcissistic parents will often seek custody of children during a divorce even if previously they were not involved parents. It’s important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their spouse.
If narcissists don’t get custody of the children, after divorce, they may use visitation as a means of control and harassment. They may ask for many changes to visitation schedules to accommodate optional work, social and vacation events. Most often these requests will be to not to have the children when they are scheduled to. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests even when the requests are made for the benefit of the children.
Narcissists may also be late in picking up the children for visitation or not picking them up at all. They may make last minute changes and expect to be accommodated. When they are not, they will cite this as an example of how unreasonable their spouse is. Narcissists may also take advantage of third parties such as school, daycare or friends and family who don’t know the agreements made with the other parent. It’s important to note that all of these tactics by the narcissist have nothing to do with the best interest of the children. It’s simply a way for the narcissist to play games and have control.
Emotional Abuse by a Narcissistic Parent
Narcissists will use people in whatever way in necessary to get what they want. This world view also applies to their children. They will abuse their children regardless whether they stay married to the other parent or not. During and after divorce, a narcissist’s emotional abuse of his or her children may seem more direct or blatant. Quite often, this is simply another tactic employed by narcissists to further control their former spouse. Unfortunately, the children pay the price for the narcissist’s games.
Narcissists are masters of lying. They will lie to their children and distort reality the same as they do to everyone else. Often, narcissists will sacrifice their children’s well-being in an attempt to save face. This leaves the children feeling confused and unsure of their own reality and judgment. Narcissists will ask their children to lie for them, keep secrets and to spy on the other parent.
Narcissistic parents do not respect their children’s desires. They may make promises to the children in order to gain compliance from the child, then refuse to honor the promises. Children may miss out on birthday parties, sporting events or other activities important to them in order to accommodate the narcissistic parent’s wishes. The children soon learn that what they want is not important when with the narcissistic parent.
Coping with a Narcissistic Parent
It’s important to understand that it’s impossible to control a narcissist’s behavior. Neither the narcissist’s spouse nor children are responsible for his or her behavior. Narcissists are who they are. The best the other parent can do for their children and themselves is to separate themselves as much as possible from the narcissist.
First and foremost, former spouses of narcissists need to seek professional support for themselves and their children. It’s important that both children and spouses of narcissists have someone outside the situation to support and validate their feelings and reality while trying to cope with a crazy-making narcissist.
Spouses also need to hire a lawyer who understands narcissism and how to best deal with it in court. It’s often best for abused spouses to seek full custody of the children. They should, however, be prepared to offer reasonable visitation. In addition, spouses of narcissists will do well to put as many negotiation points about the children as they can think of in the divorce decree. These include visitation, pick-up times, phone calls, school activities and vacations. It may seem excessive or restraining but in the long run these written agreements will often be easier than constantly renegotiating with an unreliable and emotionally abusive former spouse.
Divorce is never easy on children. Coping with a narcissistic parent makes a stressful situation even more difficult. Learning to identify the games narcissists play can help parents to minimize the emotional abuse children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent.
Sources:
Bancroft, Lundy. When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse. New York: Berkley Books, 2004.
Hotchkiss, Sandy. Why is is Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. New York: Free Press, 2002.
Skerritt, Richard. Surviving the Storm: Strategies and Realities for Divorcing a Narcissist. Kennett Square, PA: Dalkeith Press, 2009.
jueves, 24 de julio de 2014
The New Diagnostic And Statistical Manual (DSM 5) Helps Our Children!
Dr. Bill Bernet, lead a group of interested professionals in encouraging the DSM 5 editing group to include Parental Alienation Disorder. The new DSM 5 was published on May 18, 2013 and is the reference book for psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health providers Here is Dr. Bernet’s unedited analysis of the result.
Finally, DSM-5 was published today. The DSM-5 Task Force told us 2 or 3 years ago that they did not want parental alienation to be a separate diagnosis in DSM-5, but they thought that parental alienation could be considered an example of other diagnoses that are in DSM-5.
The actual words “parental alienation” are not in DSM-5, but there are several diagnoses that can be used in these cases. I would say the “spirit” of parental alienation is in DSM-5, even if the words are not.
Parent-child relational problem now has a discussion in DSM-5, not just a label. The discussion explains that cognitive problems in parent-child relational problem “may include negative attributions of the other’s intentions, hostility toward or scapegoating of the other, and unwarranted feelings of estrangement.” That is a pretty good description of a child’s view of the alienated parent, although it is an unfortunate use of the word “estrangement.”
Child psychological abuse is a new diagnosis in DSM-5. It is defined as “nonaccidental verbal or symbolic acts by a child’s parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result, in significant psychological harm to the child.” In many instances, the behavior of the alienating parent constitutes child psychological abuse.
Child affected by parental relationship distress is another new diagnosis in DSM-5. It should be used “when the focus of clinical attention if the negative effects of parental relationship discord (e.g., high levels of conflict, distress, or disparagement) on a child in the family, including effects on the child’s mental or other physical disorders.” That is also a good description of how parental alienation comes about.
Factitious disorder imposed on another is the DSM-5 terminology for factitious disorder by proxy or Munchausen disorder by proxy. Its definition is “falsification of physical or psychological signs or symptoms, or induction of injury or disease, in another, associated with identified deception.” In some cases, that would describe the behavior of the alienating parent.
Delusional symptoms in partner of individual with delusional disorder is the DSM-5 terminology for shared psychotic disorder or folie a deux. The definition is: “In the context of a relationship, the delusional material from the dominant partner provides content for delusional belief by the individual who may not otherwise entirely meet criteria for delusional disorder.”
In discussing this topic, I would say that the concept of parental alienation is clearly in DSM-5, although the actual words are not. This is a great improvement over DSM-IV-TR, especially with the addition of the new diagnoses, child psychological abuse and child affected by parental relationship distress.
Dr. Bill Bernet, lead a group of interested professionals in encouraging the DSM 5 editing group to include Parental Alienation Disorder. The new DSM 5 was published on May 18, 2013 and is the reference book for psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health providers Here is Dr. Bernet’s unedited analysis of the result.
Finally, DSM-5 was published today. The DSM-5 Task Force told us 2 or 3 years ago that they did not want parental alienation to be a separate diagnosis in DSM-5, but they thought that parental alienation could be considered an example of other diagnoses that are in DSM-5.
The actual words “parental alienation” are not in DSM-5, but there are several diagnoses that can be used in these cases. I would say the “spirit” of parental alienation is in DSM-5, even if the words are not.
Parent-child relational problem now has a discussion in DSM-5, not just a label. The discussion explains that cognitive problems in parent-child relational problem “may include negative attributions of the other’s intentions, hostility toward or scapegoating of the other, and unwarranted feelings of estrangement.” That is a pretty good description of a child’s view of the alienated parent, although it is an unfortunate use of the word “estrangement.”
Child psychological abuse is a new diagnosis in DSM-5. It is defined as “nonaccidental verbal or symbolic acts by a child’s parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result, in significant psychological harm to the child.” In many instances, the behavior of the alienating parent constitutes child psychological abuse.
Child affected by parental relationship distress is another new diagnosis in DSM-5. It should be used “when the focus of clinical attention if the negative effects of parental relationship discord (e.g., high levels of conflict, distress, or disparagement) on a child in the family, including effects on the child’s mental or other physical disorders.” That is also a good description of how parental alienation comes about.
Factitious disorder imposed on another is the DSM-5 terminology for factitious disorder by proxy or Munchausen disorder by proxy. Its definition is “falsification of physical or psychological signs or symptoms, or induction of injury or disease, in another, associated with identified deception.” In some cases, that would describe the behavior of the alienating parent.
Delusional symptoms in partner of individual with delusional disorder is the DSM-5 terminology for shared psychotic disorder or folie a deux. The definition is: “In the context of a relationship, the delusional material from the dominant partner provides content for delusional belief by the individual who may not otherwise entirely meet criteria for delusional disorder.”
In discussing this topic, I would say that the concept of parental alienation is clearly in DSM-5, although the actual words are not. This is a great improvement over DSM-IV-TR, especially with the addition of the new diagnoses, child psychological abuse and child affected by parental relationship distress.
RECOMENDACIONES PROFESORES EN LA CARRERA:
1.- En relación con el prácticum, la tutora externa (psicóloga clínica) me recomendó el manual "Manual de Evaluación y tratamiento psicológicos". Gualberto Buela-Casal, Juan Carlos Sierra.
2.- Ramón Mendoza, en su asignatura "Intervención en el Desarrollo" recomendó la Técnica Multivariable Exploratoria para categorías ACM (Análisis Correspondencia Múltiples) de Lebart Morineau. En los apuntes de esta asignatura encontraré una explicación de ella.
Otras técnicas mencionadas por Lorenzo (doctorando) fueron la de Mapas Cognitivos Difusos y el Análisis de Componentes Principales.
En esta asignatura, también vimos cómo elaborar un proyecto de un programa de intervención, los puntos que ha de contener.
Otras aportaciones de interés fueron:
3.- El profesor, Antonio Soto Rosales, en la asignatura "Necesidades Educativas Especiales e Intervención Psicoeducativa" recomendó la página web de Gonzalo Musito http://www.uv.es/lisis/gonzalomusitu.htm recomendando pasar el test de clima familiar, escala comunicación padre-adolescente. Según este profesor, le pidió el test FACE 4 al autor, y se lo mandó sin problemas.
Las listas de revistas electrónicas más potentes en el ámbito educativo, según Antonio Soto, son ERIC (búsqueda avanzada por cualquier campo, emotional intelligence and children, fecha de publicación) y SCOPUS (search for=emotional intelligence, published 2009 to present).
1.- En relación con el prácticum, la tutora externa (psicóloga clínica) me recomendó el manual "Manual de Evaluación y tratamiento psicológicos". Gualberto Buela-Casal, Juan Carlos Sierra.
2.- Ramón Mendoza, en su asignatura "Intervención en el Desarrollo" recomendó la Técnica Multivariable Exploratoria para categorías ACM (Análisis Correspondencia Múltiples) de Lebart Morineau. En los apuntes de esta asignatura encontraré una explicación de ella.
Otras técnicas mencionadas por Lorenzo (doctorando) fueron la de Mapas Cognitivos Difusos y el Análisis de Componentes Principales.
En esta asignatura, también vimos cómo elaborar un proyecto de un programa de intervención, los puntos que ha de contener.
Otras aportaciones de interés fueron:
Las listas de revistas electrónicas más potentes en el ámbito educativo, según Antonio Soto, son ERIC (búsqueda avanzada por cualquier campo, emotional intelligence and children, fecha de publicación) y SCOPUS (search for=emotional intelligence, published 2009 to present).
miércoles, 23 de julio de 2014
jueves, 17 de julio de 2014
miércoles, 9 de julio de 2014
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